Archive for the ‘Divorce’ Category
Divorce recovery takes time. This is a fact of divorce. The real question is, “How long must I endure the upset and pain of adjusting to my divorce?” While specific time predictions are not possible, we can make choices that reduce recovery time from several years to a few months.
1. What Do We Mean by “Recovery?”
Successful recovery from divorce can mean different things to different people. By “recovery,” I mean that we are no longer haunted by painful memories of the relationship. We can talk about our ex and talk to our ex without negative emotions. We can wish our ex the best in their new life. And we can go for days with even thinking of our ex. In other words, we feel content with our current life and excited about our future without our ex being an integral part of it.
2. Slaying the Myth that Time Heals Everything
Accepted wisdom tells us that “time heals everything.” Tell that to my former sister-in-law. I met Faye before I met her sister, Anne, who I eventually married. At this time Faye had been divorced five years and every reference she made to her ex was critical and painful. Sixteen years later Faye died of cancer and to her dying day, her references to her ex remained critical and painful. Twenty-one years should have been enough time to heal her divorce wounds IF “time heals everything” were true. It isn’t. Time, by itself, heals nothing.
What IS important is what we DO during that time.What are our choices for “what to do?”
3. What Can We DO to Recover from Divorce?
Our two main choices are: 1 – DO NOTHING and let “Time and Sympathy” cure our pain and, 2 – Use a “TARGETED PROGRAM” specifically designed to change the attitudes and behaviors that keep us stuck in our post-divorce pain and dysfunction.
I do not address generalized therapy because of the nebulous nature of the process. Some, if not most, talk therapies, both individual and group, provide little more than a safe place to vent feelings and perhaps receive “advice.” Other therapies, like the divorce-specific behavior therapy program of Wanderer and Cabot, provide the client with a specific, behavior-focused program specifically designed to deal with the unique issues of divorce recovery. The first kind I lump in with the “Time and Sympathy” strategies. The second I include in the “Targeted Program” strategies.
4. Recovery Time Using “Time and Sympathy” Strategies – About 3 Years
If you do nothing, that is, if you use the “Time and Sympathy” strategies, it will take years for you to recover. Just how many years is unclear. Reports vary. Some say 1 year, others say 2 years. Some predict 1 year of recovery for each year of marriage, while others say 1 year of recovery for every 2 years of marriage.
Two major research projects generally confirm these estimates. Hetherington’s study puts this time frame at 2 to 6 years. Wallerstein and Kelly found that the average time after a divorce for women to reestablish “inner equilibrium,” “external stability,” and “a sense of continuity in their lives” was 3 to 3½ years.
Any way you cut it, if you depend on “Time and Sympathy” to provide your recovery from divorce, you are looking at a long time.
Is there a better way? Can you recover from divorce sooner? Answer: Yes!
5. Recovery Time Using “Targeted Program” Strategies – About 3 Months
Targeted Programs” are behavior-focused and attitude-focused, structured programs that walk the divorced client through the unique issues and challenges of the divorce-recovery process. Two examples include the Divorce Recovery Behavior Therapy Program (Wanderer and Cabot) and my Smooth Divorce Recovery Coaching Program (JW Young). Even though the programs come from related, but different, theoretical approaches (behavior therapy versus transition management and dissolving resistance to change) their results are quite similar. Both programs estimate it takes approximately 3 MONTHS (not years) to recover from divorce.
In my divorce-recovery coaching experience, the shortest recovery time was 6 weeks for a person who had had two previous “let’s get divorced” decisions followed by reconciliation. The longest was 5 months for someone who was stuck in the past and dealing with gut level anger at being betrayed. The typical client took 3 months of weekly, 2-hour sessions, to walk through the program, during which they dropped their fantasies of revenge, saw clear hope for the future, and were able to wish their ex well.
Jerald Young
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/Divorce-recovery-and-recovery-time-3-months-3-years-3-decades-how-long-will-it-take-372210.html
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Unfortunately after 2 years of marriage, my wife and I are separating and want to get a divorce. I am Indian and she is british, married in India under Special marriage Act. I am permanent resident and if we get a divorce through UK court, would that be valid in Indian courts and what procedure is there to make the divorce known or register in indian marriage registrar’s office? This is a Divorce by mutual consent. Thanks in advance for any help or advice.
Divorce granted in one country is generally recognized by other countries (same as marriage registered abroad)
Looks like you are looking at divorce by mutual consent, in which case even UK should be okay for you
I am just getting everything together to start my divorce. Once I fill out the papers and send them in, how long do I have to wait before the divorce is final?(examples: how long do I have to wait before I can marry again?) Any help would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks
First you have to have been living apart for one year. Then you can officially file for Divorce. The divorce is final approximately 30 days from the date you filed.
The problem a lot of people run into though is when one person either contests it, or keeps changing things in the separation agreement. My boyfriend’s soon-to-be ex keeps thinking of new things to change in the child custody agreement, so he can’t file for divorce until everything is to her liking. It’s also hard to prove to a judge whether the other person is actually unsatisfied with the agreement or is just stalling to be spiteful, which can be very frustrating. Good luck!
What’s the cheapest way to get a Divorce in Las Vegas? My friend has been married to her husband for almost five years and they live in Las Vegas, it wasn’t some drunken mistake. Annulment isn’t an option at this point. They’re both cheating on each other and completely miserable with each other, but they keep using money as an excuse not to get the divorce. Assuming they can be adults about it and not try to screw each other over, is there a way they can do it without bankrupting themselves?
Are you serious. Girl, it is just about free. All she has to do is go down to the courthouse, get the paperwork, fill it out and have him served. I live in Reno and it is just the same. My friend just did it. There was a fee to file…minimal like $30 and then a process server fee to have him served…again less than $50. Al long as their is not a big fight about everything, you can pretty much make your own terms in the divorce and just have it filied. From picking up the paperwork to it being finalized was less than three weeks and she had been married for 15 years with 4 kids, all under 18. As long as he does not contest it, then there should not be a lot of cost if it is done themselves.
They call us the quickie state for a reason.
My Divorce case is being held in district court and not family court. What would cause that?
Could it be because there is a pending civil suit, also?
Here in MN, the family court is part of the district court, so if you got papers that say "district court" that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not in family court.